Well, my life is definitely changing! After 10 consecutive
years of having children in diapers and/or in a crib, we are diaperless and
cribless here. J
The kids started school a couple of weeks ago. All of them. Brandon started 5th,
Nathan 3rd and Ian 1st. They are all three gone ALL DAY.
The twins also started preschool three days a week. So, on Monday, Wednesday
and Friday between the hours of 9am and 11:30, I am without kids. Hmmm. Not
sure how I feel about it, but I’m definitely taking advantage of the time. This
is a hard entry for me to write because of some of my deepest insecurities. So,
here goes.
My entire life, I have felt like I was fat. It’s hard for me
to admit here, even though only a couple of people even read my blog besides
me. J I
went on my first diet at age 9. So for the last 26 years I have been obsessing,
to some degree, about my weight. It’s heartbreaking for me to look back at
pictures of myself and see that I was a perfectly normal and acceptable weight
until I was 16 or so. I remember all the way through junior high and high
school, continually making deals with myself that I would lose weight over a
break or the summer and then I would
enjoy high school. I didn’t date much because I figured no one would want to
date someone like me (read: because I
was fat) so why even open myself up to that kind of rejection? Finally, between
my junior and senior years of high school, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy
and I put on A LOT of weight. I graduated high school at about 200 pounds.
During college, my weight parked itself at about 200 pounds,
give or take 10. I was so busy working, going to school, working some more and
worrying about money and everything else in general that I rarely thought about
my food. My senior year of college, my school schedule was so demanding that I
wasn’t able to work as much as I had previously. Because of that, I had less
money to spend on groceries and so I lost weight simply because I didn’t have
the money for it. It brought the term ‘starving student’ into very sharp focus.
I lost about 35 pounds by graduation.
The year before I met my husband, I was working and single
and went to the gym regularly. It wasn’t unusual for me to hit the gym 4-5 days
a week. I felt good, accomplished, but it was more about how I looked. I didn’t
date much during college either, because I felt unworthy of anyone’s attention. I wanted to prove to myself and
others that maybe I was a desirable
person. Maybe someone would want to
be with me?
Falling in love with my husband was a dream come true.
Still, to this day, I pinch myself. He has loved me through 4 pregnancies and
even more clothing sizes. He has never once fed my insecurities or made me feel
unattractive or unworthy. He has encouraged me through countless diets,
exercising binges, and New Year’s resolutions. He has been, and still is, my
biggest fan.
So now, here we are. Age thirty-five. Middle age? Maybe. But
once the twins started preschool I realized that it was time for me. I have
spent the last 10 years completely focused on others. And that’s the way I intended
for it to be. I knew that when I became a mother, my needs automatically
shifted to the bottom of the list of priorities. I chose that and I stand by
that choice. But now that the twins were in school a few hours a week, I could
take care of myself guilt-free. J
The university where Peter attends law school has a
state-of-the-art rec center. Because Peter is a student, he can go for free and
I can go for a very reduced price. I
started going only during the twins’ school hours, 3 times a week for about 2 ½
hours. For the first time in my life, I found that I enjoyed it. I usually hate exercise. In the past, I would always
find (or create) a reason that I couldn’t exercise that day. Now, I find myself
going to some effort just to make it happen. I started trading babysitting with
a friend so that I could go on Tuesday and Thursday as well. I get up early on
Saturdays so I can get in a workout before Peter has to go study.
Initially, Peter showed me around and gave me some pointers.
He’s been going for a year or so and showed me how to use the equipment, where
things were, etc. We often work out together. Though we’re doing different
things (he’s into running right now, I only run if someone is chasing me) we’re
there together. J
It’s almost like a date, just with lots of sweating and no makeup.
That’s another thing. Going to the gym in the mornings has
meant something else: I have been seen at preschool drop-off, regularly,
without makeup. This may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but I haven’t
been seen in public without a full face of makeup in about 20 years. Definitely
a little scary, for me and for them, I’m sure.
It’s also been an exercise in not caring what other people think. I didn’t realize how much of my
time was spent worrying about what other people thought about me until I
started going to the gym. I was worried about what people would think if they
saw the chubby middle-aged mother of five sweating it out next to the 22-year
old coed. Did I look ridiculous? Would they laugh? Was I using the equipment
correctly? Did I give myself away as a newbie exerciser? Would they know how
many hours and years I had spent neglecting my body? Was I wearing the right
thing? Did I look like I belonged? It was exhausting. So, right along with my
sweating and lifting weights and clocking endless miles on the spin bikes, I
have exercised my mind in the arena of not caring what other people thought of
me. Frequently, I actually have to whisper to myself: “It doesn’t matter. You
don’t care what they think.” It’s been pretty cathartic too. And you know what
I’ve realized? They probably think about me as much as I think about them while
I’m there, which is not a lot.
That being said, I do care about a few things still and that’s
not likely to change. Even if I were to get into phenomenal shape, I would
NEVER prance around the women’s locker room buck naked. Getting showered and
dressed feels a little like a laser obstacle course. Showering then dressing
without any of the 22-year-old beach bodies seeing me in all of my
stretch-marked glory can feel like Mission: Impossible some days. Especially
when I forget something in my locker or it’s super-crowded.
But, overall, I am really enjoying my newfound freedom. I
haven’t focused on myself in years and it feels good. It feels amazing to exert
myself physically and mentally, to see my body and stamina change. I have
developed a new appreciation for my body and all that it has done and can do. It
made five people, for crying out loud! Even two at once! My body has given me
so much and I haven’t been very nice to it. I’m down 16 pounds now. I can wear
my wedding ring for the first time in almost six years. I can fit into clothes
that have been gathering dust in the back of my closet for at least that long. Last
week, Peter and I completed a 10K bike ride in about 40 minutes and I came in
fourth! And there were more than 4 people racing!
Probably the most exciting change is that this doesn’t feel
like a temporary thing to me. It doesn’t feel like a ‘diet.’ It feels like the
way my life is going to be from now on. It feels like it’s finally time to take
care of myself a little now that my kids are getting older and can take care of
themselves a bit more. Sunday is my day to rest, so you won’t see me at the gym
tomorrow. I can’t wait for Monday morning. J
